Christmas

Well we did not have a white Christmas this year but it did snow all day today and is supposed to keep snowing for a couple days. I like the look of snow but everytime I step outside my whole body stiffens right up and by the time I come back in the house I am a lot of pain. I have not slept real well in a while and my moods are more numb than anything. I was atleast able to give the kids a better Christmas than I thought I would so it was a good day yesterday. Christmas eve we went to one of my best friends' for a Christmas party. It was nice to spend some time with friends since my life has been very busy lately. I have started going to aquatic therapy again and have been in and out of the doctors as well as trying to keep up with my school work. I have been having a hard time staying focused, have been able to hide my stress levels from all my friends and family so that they are not worrying about me. As long as I keep telling myself what I need to do and what is right I should be fine.
Sometimes I really wish that I did not have to deal with the pain of fibromyalgia as well as the moods of being bipolar at the same time. They trigger eachother so if one gets worse so does the other. The good part of that is when one is doing good than it is most likely that the other one will as well.

stessing out, money is tight

have been having so many problems with our landlord that we had to hold rent before they even attempted to take care of some major issues about the apartment. It has been three months and still they have not fixed everything and now there are more issues. The most important of concerns are that our porch which is our second eagress has a cease and disist order on it and has been there since the end of summer and that both of the kids windows have huge cracks in them. Today we were given a demand for rent or else an eviction process will start. I have to talk to my lawyer because I am not sure what my rights are. Still stressing out though.

going to school

Since I have been on my meds I have decided it was time to further my education. In 2008 I enrolled in an online school to major in business management. In August I recieved my associates with a 3.93 GPA. I am so proud of myself so I decided to go for my bachelor degree. It has been very difficult to concentrate on my work with all the stress that is currently going on in my house. My ex husband is starting his own business and it is real slow right now. We are seriously hurting for money and am not too sure what we are going to do for christmas. I am having a huge thanksgiving this year with friends and family, there will be about ten people sardined into my little apartment. I think that this is the most people I have fed for thanksgiving ever. It should be fun.

time to start over

went to the doctors today and realized that I have gain 30 pounds over the past year. I have started eating junk again and started smoking again. I need to straighten up and get back to a decent schedule again. I will start walking again and even though the kids may not like it but there will not be any junk food in the house. I also defenitely need to stop smoking again. I figure once I am able to do this, my self esteem will rise again and my stress may be easier to manage. Since fibromyalgia reacts to emotions I am hoping that I will have less pain as well.

The stress of change

I recently had to move from a nice rented house in a good part of town to an apartment that is a reck (there is mold everywhere, no heat, and broken windows in the kids rooms). I made the mistake of not looking at the place before moving in. We did not have much an option though. My old landlord was selling the house and the new apartment was the only one in town with three bedrooms. I ended up having a breakdown for three days where I curled up and cried all the time. I felt like it was all my fault for bringing my family into such a miserable place. Ever since the move things just seem to be going down hill more and more. My exhusband lost his job and is trying to start his own business. It is going very slow and he has not been able to pay child support. I am having a really hard time trying to pay my bills never mind trying to give my kids all the extras that they are used to. Christmas is something I am trying to not even consider right now or another breakdown will occur. Due to all the stress that is in my life currently my fibromyalgia has been acting up more than normal. I feel like I am in a never ending spiral. I get depressed and my pain increases, I am in pain and my depression gets worse because I can't do all that I want.

I know its been a while but alot has happened and things have been kinda stressfull around here. Not only was my car totalled and we are trying unsucessfully to get money from the one that totalled it, but My ex's car is broke and it will cost a lot of money to fix. oh yeah we also lost power for a day which put me even further behind on my homework then I was. I thankfully have finally caught up, and one of my friends are letting use one of her cars till we figure something out. One of my other friends will let me take her van when I have an appointment as well. I guess it is true, what comes around goes around.

I have been so stressed out about not having a car and what needs to be done. My body is hurting something feirce and I am freezing. I have been real irritable and it is almost impossible to try to keep to myself when the kids are on vacation for the week. My head is pounding and I took Alieve but is not helping. I am debating taking one of my daughter's oxycodones from when her wisdom teeth were pulled. I have already had to take a calonopin to help bring my stress level down.

Thank God the weekend is over. Son's birthday party was Friday, he had one friend sleepover afterwards. Daughter's birthday party was today and her friends slept over, her actual birthday was today. A friend's son's birthday party was also today. Just got back. I am so tired and greatful that it is all over. I am in some serious pain right now. I don't think I have been in this much pain in a long time. It hurt any time we hit a bump in the road. I think that all this stress is getting to me and the change in the weather. Tomorrow will be another busy day. I am behind on homework and there is so much to take care of that has to do with my car. I really hope that the lady will pay for my car, from the accident that my daughter got into. I just don't like to be without a car it is driving me nuts.

I am now officially carless. My daughter got rearended tonight and my car may be totalled. My insurance may not cover it cause I only have liability and the other car was not insured. In other words I am completely FUCKED and not in a good way. It is really gonna suck not having a car.

its been a couple days since my last post, just have not felt much like doing anything. Classes have started up again and I don't really have much enthusiasm for that either. First assignment is due on Friday and still have not started it. I can't concentrate and my body hurts. Had a cop at my door over the weekend because my son decided to take some school property and place it under the tire of a teachers car so that is would get run over when she backed up. I don't know what is going on with him and it worries me. Its like he is getting worse. We were gonna get him a Wii for his birthday on Friday but he does not deserve one so he probably won't get it now.

took the kids to see Percy Jackson and the olympians today. It was pretty good. Then took them out to dinner. Probably shouldn't have spent the money but it is not often that I get to do something like that with them. I have been in denial lately. I started smoking again but only a very few people know about it. My family does not know and I don't want them to because they will be disappointed Plus I plan on stopping. I should not be smoking though cause I am on birth control and I am over 35. Got my period today which I am ok with. I won't have it when the kids go away so that will be nice.

I finally called to schedule an appointment with a psychiatrist. I have been meaning to for a while now but usually when I think of it I am on the road or in the middle of doing something. By the time I am home or done I forget and it does not get done. This is a normal accurance for me. I have tried many things but they are never consistant. I feel better know though that my meds will now be perscribed by a professional instead of my primary. Now I just have to remember to call and find a counselor for my daughter. I can't do it right now cause it is a weekend. LOL oh well.

I got a phone call from my son's teacher yesterday. Apparently he and a friend decided to write a mean valentine to a student in another class and making it from someone else so that that other person would get into trouble. I just don't know what to do with him. He is lying, stealing and being mean. My friend said that everytime he lies I should wash his mouth out with soap. I don't know if I could bring myself to do that. It might work though. I have tried everything else. She also suggested taping his fingers together on his right hand. These are both extreme things but I don't want him growing up being known as a theif and lier or a bully. That is not who he is. He is a good kid. I think that if either one of my children were to become bipolar it would be him. That scare me

well I am on vacation from school for the next couple days. I am in pain and hopefully it does not last long cause I really don't want to spend what free time I have in pain unable to enjoy myself. My son has been stealing and lying lately and I really don't know what to do about it. He took ten dollars from me the other day and told his father that he had earned it and he spent it on toys. Then this morning when I was walking the dog he went into my closet and took one of the toys I took from him. I just don't know what to do. He is grounded in the corner and lost his playstation and what else can I do.

The day started out ok, I woke up kinda early cause my son had a friend sleep over and they woke me up a 6am. I was not in a whole lot of pain though. All of a sudden I am in a bad mood though. I don't get it.

went grocery shopping today and probably should have waited till someone could have gone with me. My back hurts and I am exhausted. I am babysitting Johnny and another one of my son's friends tonight and my daughter just took off to the movies with her friends. I am alone and tired and cranky hopefully I don't kill anyone. Just joking.

Still feeling like crap but have a lot of energy. Thank God for that too because I have so much to do. I know though that if I don't get up and do them soon they won't get done. I will take a shower now and then do some shopping before kids come home. Realtor is coming to take pics of inside of house today because landlord is trying to sell the house. I don't think that it will sell anytime soon because he is asking too much for it. Just keep the fingers crossed cause I don't know what I would do right now if I had to move. I don't have any money to put down on a place. Well trying not to think about it too much or will get depressed.

chest hurts today, this cold is kicking my ass. I was up all night coughing my lungs up. I took nyquil and a sleeping pill before bed but still had trouble sleeping. My muscles are sore.

woke up in a bad mood this morning. Dog pooped on bedroom floor and then again upstairs in the hallway. BAD DOG! Gonna try to finish my last assignment for school so that I will be on vacation sooner. I am still sick though so we will see.

Well I am sick, I have a chest cold and it sucks. My body hurts bad and I wish I could sleep. Heating pad is not working very well. I got a call from my son's teacher today, I guess he found an old pair of my glasses and brought them to school. When he was asked about them he lied repeatedly. I just don't know what to do with him sometimes. Well goodnight to all

I know its been a few days since my last entry and I apologize for that. I have gotten behind on my school work and needed to focus on that. My focus is still off some. I have had no real amibition to do the work and that is not good. I usually have to work extra hard when this happens. I only have 5 more classes to complete until I recieve my associates degree and I currently have a 3.93 GPA all As except for one B. I am very proud of myself for this. I have been told though that I tend to be very hard on myself and get real disappointed if I get less then an A. I am not sure if I will continue on to my bachelor degree after I complete my associates degree. I only started schooling for something to do and even though I am doing something I never thought possible I am not sure if I really want to keep up the stress that is intailed in staying in school. We will see. Maybe I will just take a break. I am tired and my life seems to be falling apart at times because all I can think about is getting my next assignment in on time.

I feel like I am having a panic attack and I don't know why. There is nothing for me to be panicing about. My heart is racing and I feel like I want to cry. It will probably be another sleepless night.

I have not slept much in the past 3 days. My son has an ear infection and I had to be the one to stay up with him. Because of lack of sleep my body does not like me. I have been in a lot of pain and I am exhausted. I have tried heat and it has not helped much. I can't seem to fall asleep to take a nap before kids come home from school which means I will have a bad day. Usually when I am this exhausted, not only do my muscles feel tender and soar but I tend to be extra moody. I may end up needing to take some valium later, which is not a good thing.

well I am not pregnant, thank God for that. I really don't know what I would do if I were. I have been real testy lately and my muscles have been reacting to that. My boyfriend and I have been doing better, thankfully he understands some about my bipolar he just does not understand the fybromyalgia and why I am always in so much pain. I try to get him to read stuff about it but he still has not done so. At least I recognize the signs of my bipolar acting up and I can try to keep my distance from everyone. I also have a back up if I cant control it. My doctor gave me some valuim to help me relax and to help ease the stress some. That is also something I only take if nothing else works. Today I am going on a double date with my good friend and her husband to a hockey game and then tomorrow we are taking the kids to another hockey game. I am not even a hockey person. Boyfriend gets free tickets from his boss every now and then so he will take the kids and I will go along just to have some family time.

Today was a day like any other. Ok well maybe not, been in pain today but that is not much out of the ordinary. My moods are going crazy and it is very hard for me not to explode or say something I may regret. I am constantly putting myself in check. I do consider myself lucky, though, I am able to recognize these episodes and try to control them. I just wish it were easier. On days like this I tend to hibernate in my room which tends to be stressful for the family. I wish they understood better but I don't know how to explain it to them in a way that they understand.

woke up with a major headache today. Took some Alieve and had to babysit for a friend this morning, but I am home now and the headache is gone. I dont really have anything planned for the day other than laundry. I am not babysitting Johnny today so it should be nice and quiet after school. Have been a little stressed though, boyfriend might get laid off from job and he just reported his boss to the Dept. of Labor today because his boss is an ass. He decided that since he had to pay them a rate pay for this job they were working on that all of a sudden he did not have to pay their travel time, which he normally does. Plus his boss will take lunch break time out of their days even if they dont take one. CAN YOU SAY ILLEGAL? Boyfriend is getting his license with his tax return so that he can go out on his own. Fingers crossed

Going to bed in a bit. I was an idiot today!!! Son had a friend over and the kid I watch was here. They wanted to go out to play in the snow but my son's gloves were wet and he had to wait. The others went out anyways, I had asked the kid I watch (lets call him Johnny)to brush off my car and start it so that I could move it when the plow guy showed up. I look out in a few minutes to find Johnny using my metal shovel to get the snow off of the car. I almost lost it. After yelling at him I had to take five so that I could cool my head. After that they all came back in the house. After my driveway was plowed I had to shovel the sidewalk and a path for the oil guy to come. I also had to shovel out the mailbox. So now I pay the price. Another night of unrest for me. Just smoked some dubby (marajuana for those who don't speak the lingo,lol) hoping that it helps me relax enough to fall asleep. Goodnight to anyonw out there

yesterday was a rough day for me. I slept like crap, tossing a turning all night and I must of got up several times. I just could not get comfortable. I was in so much pain and I just could not make it ease up any. I tried heat and cold. I took some Alieve (which usually works really well) and I tried to keep going. I know that if I give in to the pain it gets worse. I did not go to the gym as planned though, I just could not handle that. I went grocery shopping and did some laundry and cooking. All I really wanted to do was curl up in bed and sleep all day. I knew that not only would that not help with the pain but it would not help with the bipolar either. I have a tendency of disappearing in my room and ignoring all my responsibilities. I have had to keep to some type of schedule or it feels like my life will fall apart. My ex being in the house has made it so easy for me to give in and let him deal with everything. I have to fight that urge because then I will end up disappearing into my own world again. I don't want that and my family does not need that. Kids don't have school today and it is snowing like a son of bitch. It is amazing but I woke up feeling so much better today. It is only morning so we will see how the rest of the day goes. My son had a friend sleep over and the boy I babysit is here. The boy I watch is a troubled child and can be very difficult at times.

Saturday

Today was not too bad. I woke up in pain as usual. The dog hogged the bed all night making it almost impossible to sleep comfortably. The bedroom was hot and the air was very dry making it hard to breathe. My daughter has been finally showing her teenagerness and it is driving me absolutely bonckers. I love her to death, she is a very bright young woman (which is even more frustrating) and she has some very high expectations for herself. It almost worries me because she stresses out way too much. My son has been going through a lying stage and it can be hard to handle especially since he is very good at it (like I used to be). I often find myself watching them closely for any signs that they too might be bipolar. My daughter has a higher chance then my son does because her biological father also is bipolar. I just hope that if she or my son were to be bipolar, that I would be able to recognize it. I had it all my life but did not get diagnosed until just a few years ago. I do not wish my children to go through what I did. I was very good at pushing my family away to the point that they don't care much for me anymore. I have a harder time of dealing with that now that I am meds. Before I did not care much before because it was all about me and all the wrong they did to me. When I was hurting them. I dont blame them at all, I just wish I was able to rectify things. I want my family back. I am greatful that they don't hold any of it against the kids. Well I hope not.

today January 15, 2010

Today seemed to be like everyother day. Wake up in pain from a bad nights sleep. The house is cold because I have not been able to put oil in the tank due to lack of funds and deisel is low. Thankfully oil delivery is coming on Monday. My boyfriend/exhusband ( I don't know what to call him, He is my exhusband but we are dating again.) Had the day off because his boss wont pay for overtime. I can't wait till he gets his insurance so that he can go out on his own. The cold is not helping with the pain. My muscles cringe and become tender and sore. I have also been feeling a little spacier then usual. My kids are always picking on me because my memory is so short that I forget what I said five minutes ago. But this is a different kind of spacey. I have trouble staying focused and cant concentrate on anything. I am sitting in bed with my heating pad trying to get caught up on homework, that is very hard to do when you can't focus or concentrate. I have been learning that when my fibromyalgia acts up so does my bipolar and visa versus. If I am feeling blue I am usually in pain. I have also learned that having a dog, believe it or not, has helped with both. Being winter, where I usually hybernate, I am forced to take the dog for walks, which gives me excersize that I would not normally get, and I have a companion that knows when I am in pain and just will lay with me.
Well enough for today, till tomorrow and ta ta for now.

Just a little history

Let me introduce myself. I am a 36 year old woman, mother of a 17 year old daughter and a 9 year old son. Growing up, depression was a constant battle. I was in and out of therapy and it always felt like bad things always found there way to me. I was always getting into trouble, defying all the rules, or so depressed I wanted to die. It was a lot easier to hide the trouble, I became very good at concealing the truth and lying came easy. I would sometimes tell the lie so well and so often that it became real to me. To this day I still don't know which ones were real and which were not. My memory is foggy and my family won't really discuss it with me. I was not officially diagnosed as being Bipolar until about 5 years ago. Once I was diagnosed it all seemed to make sense. I refuse to use it as an excuse though it would be very easy to do. Even though I am bipolar it does not make it ok that I stole, lied and cheated, they were still choices I made and followed through with even though I knew they were wrong. It just did not matter as much to me back then. I am on meds now and even though things are more clear, I still fight the urges and depression every day. The meds make it easier to manage and I can now recognize the signs.
I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia about 6 or 7 years ago (it all blends together after a while and time is meaningless). I had first been diagnose with hyperthyroidism and had decided to have my thyroid removed. Not long after that I had to have one of my ovaries removed due to complications from a tubular pregnancy I had back in 1994. I was also at the time dealing with postpardom depression from the birth of my son. I was suicidal and felt like I did not matter so what was the point. I was sleeping all day, calling out of work all the time, not taking very good care of my son leaving my then 9 year old daughter to do most of the work. My husband at the time did not understand what was going on, in fact I did not know, he felt helpless and he felt like he was not a good husband because he could not take care of me. My marriage was falling apart, and then my body started to fall apart and I was lost. My doctors had no clue what was wrong, why I was always in so much pain. My depression got worse because anytime I went to the doctor or hospital in pain they would look at me like I was just trying to score some drugs. I did not want drugs I just wanted the pain to go away. I wanted to know what was wrong with me. I was finally diagnosed as having fibromyalgia, but that did not mean anything to me. There were no known drugs or cures for fybromylagia and the doc would not give me pain meds for fear of forming an addiction. I was ok with that, that was the last thing I wanted, to be an addict too. To this day I only ask for pain meds when nothing else works. I won't go to the emergency room because it does not matter what I tell them, they don't believe me when I tell them it is my fybromyalgia, they run a bunch of tests I don't have money to pay for, then when they finally determine that there is nothing wrong they hesitate giving me meds. What works for me the best is something I can't get from a pharmacy or hospital. I smoke marajuana. It relaxes me. I dont smoke just for the high though, strictly for my fibromyalgia.