I feel like I am having a panic attack and I don't know why. There is nothing for me to be panicing about. My heart is racing and I feel like I want to cry. It will probably be another sleepless night.

I have not slept much in the past 3 days. My son has an ear infection and I had to be the one to stay up with him. Because of lack of sleep my body does not like me. I have been in a lot of pain and I am exhausted. I have tried heat and it has not helped much. I can't seem to fall asleep to take a nap before kids come home from school which means I will have a bad day. Usually when I am this exhausted, not only do my muscles feel tender and soar but I tend to be extra moody. I may end up needing to take some valium later, which is not a good thing.

well I am not pregnant, thank God for that. I really don't know what I would do if I were. I have been real testy lately and my muscles have been reacting to that. My boyfriend and I have been doing better, thankfully he understands some about my bipolar he just does not understand the fybromyalgia and why I am always in so much pain. I try to get him to read stuff about it but he still has not done so. At least I recognize the signs of my bipolar acting up and I can try to keep my distance from everyone. I also have a back up if I cant control it. My doctor gave me some valuim to help me relax and to help ease the stress some. That is also something I only take if nothing else works. Today I am going on a double date with my good friend and her husband to a hockey game and then tomorrow we are taking the kids to another hockey game. I am not even a hockey person. Boyfriend gets free tickets from his boss every now and then so he will take the kids and I will go along just to have some family time.

Today was a day like any other. Ok well maybe not, been in pain today but that is not much out of the ordinary. My moods are going crazy and it is very hard for me not to explode or say something I may regret. I am constantly putting myself in check. I do consider myself lucky, though, I am able to recognize these episodes and try to control them. I just wish it were easier. On days like this I tend to hibernate in my room which tends to be stressful for the family. I wish they understood better but I don't know how to explain it to them in a way that they understand.

woke up with a major headache today. Took some Alieve and had to babysit for a friend this morning, but I am home now and the headache is gone. I dont really have anything planned for the day other than laundry. I am not babysitting Johnny today so it should be nice and quiet after school. Have been a little stressed though, boyfriend might get laid off from job and he just reported his boss to the Dept. of Labor today because his boss is an ass. He decided that since he had to pay them a rate pay for this job they were working on that all of a sudden he did not have to pay their travel time, which he normally does. Plus his boss will take lunch break time out of their days even if they dont take one. CAN YOU SAY ILLEGAL? Boyfriend is getting his license with his tax return so that he can go out on his own. Fingers crossed

Going to bed in a bit. I was an idiot today!!! Son had a friend over and the kid I watch was here. They wanted to go out to play in the snow but my son's gloves were wet and he had to wait. The others went out anyways, I had asked the kid I watch (lets call him Johnny)to brush off my car and start it so that I could move it when the plow guy showed up. I look out in a few minutes to find Johnny using my metal shovel to get the snow off of the car. I almost lost it. After yelling at him I had to take five so that I could cool my head. After that they all came back in the house. After my driveway was plowed I had to shovel the sidewalk and a path for the oil guy to come. I also had to shovel out the mailbox. So now I pay the price. Another night of unrest for me. Just smoked some dubby (marajuana for those who don't speak the lingo,lol) hoping that it helps me relax enough to fall asleep. Goodnight to anyonw out there

yesterday was a rough day for me. I slept like crap, tossing a turning all night and I must of got up several times. I just could not get comfortable. I was in so much pain and I just could not make it ease up any. I tried heat and cold. I took some Alieve (which usually works really well) and I tried to keep going. I know that if I give in to the pain it gets worse. I did not go to the gym as planned though, I just could not handle that. I went grocery shopping and did some laundry and cooking. All I really wanted to do was curl up in bed and sleep all day. I knew that not only would that not help with the pain but it would not help with the bipolar either. I have a tendency of disappearing in my room and ignoring all my responsibilities. I have had to keep to some type of schedule or it feels like my life will fall apart. My ex being in the house has made it so easy for me to give in and let him deal with everything. I have to fight that urge because then I will end up disappearing into my own world again. I don't want that and my family does not need that. Kids don't have school today and it is snowing like a son of bitch. It is amazing but I woke up feeling so much better today. It is only morning so we will see how the rest of the day goes. My son had a friend sleep over and the boy I babysit is here. The boy I watch is a troubled child and can be very difficult at times.

Saturday

Today was not too bad. I woke up in pain as usual. The dog hogged the bed all night making it almost impossible to sleep comfortably. The bedroom was hot and the air was very dry making it hard to breathe. My daughter has been finally showing her teenagerness and it is driving me absolutely bonckers. I love her to death, she is a very bright young woman (which is even more frustrating) and she has some very high expectations for herself. It almost worries me because she stresses out way too much. My son has been going through a lying stage and it can be hard to handle especially since he is very good at it (like I used to be). I often find myself watching them closely for any signs that they too might be bipolar. My daughter has a higher chance then my son does because her biological father also is bipolar. I just hope that if she or my son were to be bipolar, that I would be able to recognize it. I had it all my life but did not get diagnosed until just a few years ago. I do not wish my children to go through what I did. I was very good at pushing my family away to the point that they don't care much for me anymore. I have a harder time of dealing with that now that I am meds. Before I did not care much before because it was all about me and all the wrong they did to me. When I was hurting them. I dont blame them at all, I just wish I was able to rectify things. I want my family back. I am greatful that they don't hold any of it against the kids. Well I hope not.

today January 15, 2010

Today seemed to be like everyother day. Wake up in pain from a bad nights sleep. The house is cold because I have not been able to put oil in the tank due to lack of funds and deisel is low. Thankfully oil delivery is coming on Monday. My boyfriend/exhusband ( I don't know what to call him, He is my exhusband but we are dating again.) Had the day off because his boss wont pay for overtime. I can't wait till he gets his insurance so that he can go out on his own. The cold is not helping with the pain. My muscles cringe and become tender and sore. I have also been feeling a little spacier then usual. My kids are always picking on me because my memory is so short that I forget what I said five minutes ago. But this is a different kind of spacey. I have trouble staying focused and cant concentrate on anything. I am sitting in bed with my heating pad trying to get caught up on homework, that is very hard to do when you can't focus or concentrate. I have been learning that when my fibromyalgia acts up so does my bipolar and visa versus. If I am feeling blue I am usually in pain. I have also learned that having a dog, believe it or not, has helped with both. Being winter, where I usually hybernate, I am forced to take the dog for walks, which gives me excersize that I would not normally get, and I have a companion that knows when I am in pain and just will lay with me.
Well enough for today, till tomorrow and ta ta for now.

Just a little history

Let me introduce myself. I am a 36 year old woman, mother of a 17 year old daughter and a 9 year old son. Growing up, depression was a constant battle. I was in and out of therapy and it always felt like bad things always found there way to me. I was always getting into trouble, defying all the rules, or so depressed I wanted to die. It was a lot easier to hide the trouble, I became very good at concealing the truth and lying came easy. I would sometimes tell the lie so well and so often that it became real to me. To this day I still don't know which ones were real and which were not. My memory is foggy and my family won't really discuss it with me. I was not officially diagnosed as being Bipolar until about 5 years ago. Once I was diagnosed it all seemed to make sense. I refuse to use it as an excuse though it would be very easy to do. Even though I am bipolar it does not make it ok that I stole, lied and cheated, they were still choices I made and followed through with even though I knew they were wrong. It just did not matter as much to me back then. I am on meds now and even though things are more clear, I still fight the urges and depression every day. The meds make it easier to manage and I can now recognize the signs.
I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia about 6 or 7 years ago (it all blends together after a while and time is meaningless). I had first been diagnose with hyperthyroidism and had decided to have my thyroid removed. Not long after that I had to have one of my ovaries removed due to complications from a tubular pregnancy I had back in 1994. I was also at the time dealing with postpardom depression from the birth of my son. I was suicidal and felt like I did not matter so what was the point. I was sleeping all day, calling out of work all the time, not taking very good care of my son leaving my then 9 year old daughter to do most of the work. My husband at the time did not understand what was going on, in fact I did not know, he felt helpless and he felt like he was not a good husband because he could not take care of me. My marriage was falling apart, and then my body started to fall apart and I was lost. My doctors had no clue what was wrong, why I was always in so much pain. My depression got worse because anytime I went to the doctor or hospital in pain they would look at me like I was just trying to score some drugs. I did not want drugs I just wanted the pain to go away. I wanted to know what was wrong with me. I was finally diagnosed as having fibromyalgia, but that did not mean anything to me. There were no known drugs or cures for fybromylagia and the doc would not give me pain meds for fear of forming an addiction. I was ok with that, that was the last thing I wanted, to be an addict too. To this day I only ask for pain meds when nothing else works. I won't go to the emergency room because it does not matter what I tell them, they don't believe me when I tell them it is my fybromyalgia, they run a bunch of tests I don't have money to pay for, then when they finally determine that there is nothing wrong they hesitate giving me meds. What works for me the best is something I can't get from a pharmacy or hospital. I smoke marajuana. It relaxes me. I dont smoke just for the high though, strictly for my fibromyalgia.